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Can`t wait to be full of Christmas beer! I mean cheer. No, I definitely mean beer.
I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn’t reach very far.
Scientists uncovered the part of the male brain responsible for pissing off women. It’s next to the part that knows how much roses cost.
The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.
“Check that sh!t out” luckily rarely refers to actual sh!t.
My head says go to the gym. My heart says food.
I`m not saying you`re an idiot. I`m just saying that....Umm how do I word this?? I guess I am saying your`e an idiot.
I`ve had enough of my neighbours blasting their music from their backyard. I`m not annoyed cause it`s so loud, i`m annoyed cause they`re Korean & they`ve still yet to play Gangnam Style!
auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming... 1. Whenever you`re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you`re right, shut up.
I`m not saying your cat doesn`t care about you, I`m saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well.
Millions of innocent coconuts are murdered each year so you can drink their nutritious blood you insensitive health freak
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check their phone for 3 hours.
Ever wonder if we`re just a reality TV show for a more intelligent species?
Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.