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I`m never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Never trust a skinny chef
Things I`ve learned: There`s no cool way to chase after a bouncing ping-pong ball.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
Don’t look unless you’re prepared to see.
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: “Well I’m bored, let’s go brush our teeth.”
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
Google image results are like a party that starts off exactly how you expected and gets weirder the longer you stay.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Being in hot water isn`t so bad if you throw in some bubbles and a glass of champagne.