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I`m at my most judgmental when standing behind someone in a buffet line.
I really need a long road trip, top down, in the Jeep...with a cooler....loud music....and an extra cooler in case the first one isn`t enough
I wonder how many dads named their sons Luke just so they can say "Luke, I am your father."....
im like the government: i spend money on things that aren`t important, and spend most of my time trying to explain to people why i need them.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out?
Gimmie a P. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an O. Gimmie a C. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an A. Gimmie an S. Gimmie a....oh, nevermind. I`ll finish this later.
Next time you are in a restaurant, give this a thought. The fork you are using has been in the mouth of hundreds of people. Now look at the people eating right by you. Scary, right?
This haunted house sucks. It`s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, I`m at work, sorry.
If you need time alone, announce that it`s time to clean the house.
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone`s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.
I just found my Christmas Spirit.... It`s been in aisle 6 at this liquor store the whole time!