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All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
I always tell new hires, don`t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you`re ass
WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper "You`re an adult" every few minutes.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I`m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
I`m not mental, other wise the rubber duckies would have told me by now...
No, I don`t have tourette syndrome..I was just telling you what I think of you.
Seriously, You accidentally catch six kitchen towels on fire and all of a sudden you can`t go in the kitchen alone anymore.
You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.
If you have to use a shot glass to make your drinks then you`re not doing it right...
Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with hope that it might magically solve her problems.
I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn’t named Marvin.
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait