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I`ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
I never got the expression "complete idiot". Is there an Incomplete version?
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
I was sitting in traffic the other day. That’s probably why I got run over.
Mondays aren`t so bad... it`s my job that sucks.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns ... It`s a play on words.
My dog can`t hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away
Just spent 20 minutes on the treadmill without breaking into a sweat......tomorrow I might even switch it on!
If being an a$$hole was a professional sport, my face would be on a box of wheaties.
There`s a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.
Stop picking on Justin Bieber. That`s somebody`s daughter.
Someone has got to come up with a polite way to ask a fat girl if she`s pregnant.