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To those that manufacture and market tight, thin yoga pants to fit college girls; I love you man.
I put "extremely organized" on my resume and I don`t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Gym Update: Not there.
Scientists say the Universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons... They forgot to add Morons.
You know it`s gonna be a sh!tty day when you put your bra on backwords and it fits better.
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, “That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that
How many Snickers are an acceptable meal replacement?
I saw this homeless guy talking to himself and I was like, "Who is he talking to?" then I thought "Who am I talking to?"
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
There`s a time and a place for alcohol ... In my hand and now.
Why don`t they just get Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don`t have to see, touch, or smell them.