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Sometimes “Girl`s night out” means she has just taken her bra off
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Dodgeball, but with random people who don`t know that they are playing..............
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I`m almost out.
I need more people like me in my life
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Today I am thankful for my family....and this 5th of vodka that helps me deal with them.
You`ve cat to be kitten me right meow.
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
You know that greener grass you see over there? You do realize it`s because they fertilize it with bullsh!t right?
"That`s too much bacon." -Nobody ever