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Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
IM LOST! I`ve gone to look for my self. If u see me, tell me to wait here till I get back.
I always wonder if the people sitting near me at church every Sunday are unsettled by the fact that I take my communion like a shot of cheap vodka because I`m still in a party mode
I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.
Christmas spirit? I`m proud to say I`ve got plenty of that. I`ve got rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, vodka and tequila.
Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.
My head says go to the gym. My heart says food.
Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges to keep the crazies from following you.
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
I told my family that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle…So, they got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.
I`m working harder than an ugly stripper!!
I`m not fat. My stomach is in 3D
Dating a single mother.... It`s like continuing from somebody else`s saved game.
I don`t have dirty mind ...I just hav a sexy imagination. ..
I plan my entire day around the possibility of a nap.