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I know you people are crazy. I can spot my own kind a mile away.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you`re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they`ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
There`s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself " thank god the cops are here"
Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.
To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.
I need a vacation ... or this fifth of Jack -Me at the liqiour store
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There`s liquor and you can`t hear them.
I had no plans on looking sexy today, but sh!t happens.
Think about what last call would look like if Walmart had a bar
Ways to die: Steal my food.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Is food porn star a thing yet??
Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.