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Halloween Drinking Game: Drink every-time an Elsa (from Frozen) visits your house.
my ex girlfriends started they`re own website they call it two faced book...
All I`m saying is, I`ve never seen my ex and Satan in the same room together.
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
whenever i`m bored I just expect at any moment for the Koolaid man to break through my wall and take me on a deliciously refreshing adventure!
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
The hardest question of the weekend.. can or bottle?
Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant
Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
All these women on the 48 dating sites I`ve joined, seem so f*cking sad and desperate.
I wish I had a job where I could punch stupid motherf*ckers in the face all day.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Dr. Oz says having 1/2 hour of sex is equivalent to running 6 miles. I guess I`m going to the gym today.
Research shows that 100% of the time when someone says “oh no she didn’t!” she most definitely did.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.