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While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald`s stops serving breakfast.
My friend works at the morgue and apparently tonight is open mike night.
I`m really easy to get along with, once people learn to worship me.
I watched my first silent movie the other day. The kids weren`t there.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
After 3 "it`s complicated" statuses, Facebook should just default to "Unstable"
If you lack motivation, get on treadmill naked in front of mirror.
To be honest, I´m just fishing for compliments tonight.
I`m always right. And when I`m not, I edit Wikipedia.
I thinking about how im disgusted by holding a gas pump but yet, I have no problem drinking my beer from a cup that ten other people drank out of, and a backwash covered ping pong ball was just thrown into it after hitting a dirty a$$ garage floor??
My favorite beer is the 15th one.
The only way to communicate with a drunk person is to get hammered too.
I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.
I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.
The odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 10 million. The odds of being the fastest sperm are 1 in 300 million. You`d think that with those odds, you`d win the lottery 30 times in your life.