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Everything in earthquake-prone areas should be built on top of a giant Tempurpedic mattress.
Happy Labor Day to someone who barely labored this year.
Drive-Thru Workers: The longer you make me wait in line, the more change will be used for my payment...
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
People I hate are not allowed to be funny.
People who get out of the car and actually have a sit down meal inside McDonald`s scare me.
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
Awkward moment when you just wanted a sugar daddy but becomes the First Lady of America!
Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing?
Eating Popcorn: 90% during the trailers. 10% during the movie.
When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his happy place and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new happy place. If that isn`t the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves, I don`t know what is!
Ladies: If he’s right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.