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I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.
I love work; it fascinates me. I can sit and watch folks do it for hours.
Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.
Stretch pants are like Wonder Bras for your butt cheeks
My mother is the strongest woman I know. You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Self-Checkout lanes were invented by a guy who was sent out to buy tampons.
boss- "You cant drink while your at work!" .. me- "Oh dont worry im not working!!"
I haven`t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn`t want to interrupt her.
wife: It`s ruining date night me: It`s ruining date night because you`re letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: Just drop me off on the corner
I Got so Drunk Last Night ,.I Walked Across the Dance Floor to Get Another Drink, and I Won the DANCE COMPETITION...!!
You mellennials and your obsession with public healthcare, back in my day we just died!
Ummm,, Can we just admit we may have taken this anybody can grow up to be President thing a bit too far.
I drink coffee for your protection.
I don`t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you`re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year`s party, hope you had fun dude.
My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments so they look crazy.