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I accidentally wore green today. And I probably will be drunk later but NOT because it`s St. Patrick`s Day, because it`s Monday.
I wonder how long I can keep "eating for two" before people notice I`m not actually pregnant.
Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone`s throat.
I have two feelings, it`s either "I`m hungry" or "I shouldn`t have eaten this much"
Mary, mary quit contrary, watched their garden thrive. The cops found seed of a very odd weed; Now they`s doing three to five.
Just because leggings stretch dont mean yo 465 pound a$$ should be in them!
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
There are people in life you could NEVER get tired of hitting with a shovel!!!
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with "According to the prophecy."
Don`t worry, some people are their own punishment in life.
There are two rules to success in life - 1. Don`t tell people everything you know
Don`t understand how you can forget about someone you loved so much. Like that time my mum drove off and left me in the supermarket car park
Mini M&M`s - for when you just can`t finish an entire M&M
Buying your wife a gun is like saying. "You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise."