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If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she`s practising for her next selfie
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
My doctor prescribed me xanax instead of birth control pills I asked for. Now I have 9 kids, but I don`t care.
If I could have anything in the world it would be to have the same finger prints as my enemy
Relationships are like bathrooms. I`m in them a lot longer than I need to be, probably cause I`m playing on my phone the whole time.
I have the rest of my life to be an adult.
With all the technology available now, you’d think they’d have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.
In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I`m keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.
Politicians are people who have too little an amount of morals and ethics to remain lawyers.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.
A real man should never wave faster than he says the word “hey”
Have you ever wondered about the look on someone`s face if you hide under their bed and grab their foot in the middle of the night? Just something to think about.....goodnight!
Starting tomorrow: Whatever Life throws at me… I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else.
I bet the women who only post about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.