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Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
The hardest thing about looking for work is the sobriety.
Jehovah`s Witnesses, Improving my hiding skills since 1974.
You know you`re getting old when bending over is a one-way trip.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of people wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
Some people are like eye-candy... I`m more like eye-meatloaf.
Damn, it`s like these people have never seen anyone bring a flask to the gym before.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand English – dogs
I don’t necessarily believe in karma, but I’m gonna be extra careful crossing the street after this weekend.
Isn`t it weird when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
As a Harry Potter fan, I wanted to go to Hogwarts. As a Hunger Games fan, not so much...
Remember when you were a kid and all you would use the computer for was paint and space pinball?
I dont have awkward moments I have "special" moments.e.g That "special" moment when my "special" ex learns that karma exist..
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.