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So apparently the numbers on the toaster are minutes? I`ve thought for years it was degree of toasty-ness.
"Oh Sh!t, Was That Today?" my autobiography
My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. ..well, she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet..
Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
Can Walmart be a feeling? I`m pretty sure that`s how I`m feeling today.
Sometimes I feel like giving up...Then I remember I have a lot of motherf*ckers to prove wrong
Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math... that’s a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You`re welcome!!! ;)
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Don`t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
We all have faults. It`s just that mine are better than yours.
I love updating my Facebook status while crossing the stre
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.
We have cars that park themselves but I still gotta wave my hand 15 times before a paper towel comes out the dispenser
I saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as "grabbing for swirling dollars inside a Plexiglas Cash Cube."
Don´t you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn´t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.