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When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
Partying on my level requires years of training.
I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine.
Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
Now that I`ve maxed out my 401k for the year, I`ll get a tattoo, said no one ever.
I have been snoring a lot lately and apparently my coworkers find it distracting
Is beer cheaper off the kids menu
Life Rule #17: Always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, ...just incase.
Just one more drink and then I`m outta here" is one of my favorite lies.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked ... But, so does Tequila
I like when people call me "Sir". I just wish they wouldn`t follow it up with "you`re making a scene."
Just because you`re not paranoid doesn`t mean they`re not out to get you.
"nice crocs. where did you get them?" - nobody ever
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.