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If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
I have no fear of heights. I do, however have a fear of falling from heights.
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
When I was six, my dad threw me into the pool thinking I would instantly learn to swim. I probably would if it had water in it.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
The grass was greener on the other side, so we smoked it.
This Pokemon Go crap is getting ridiculous. I just saw a fight breakout between the pokebloods and the pokecrips.
I know two wrongs don`t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I`m like on 756.
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
Did you know you can buy live lobsters? Anyway, can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters.
When someone tries to tell me they can`t do something, I`m like "you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?"
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I`m only gonna have one beer. At a time. Until all the beer is gone.
The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.