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I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
If I won the lottery, I don`t think I would change much. I`d still be the same asshole, just one in a helicopter.
Today is different because after you lie to someone, you tell them you were lying.
Finally 21 and now legally able to do things which i have been doing since 15….
You notice how no faith-healers have stepped forward to help out with the ebola crisis in Africa......
I talked to my mom, and she said she probably hadn`t had sex with any of you guys. Damn dirty liars.
According to Facebook, some people I don`t remember are grilling this weekend.
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
Everyone can stop painting. We all have cameras that can take perfect pictures of everything.
The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn`t have waffle cones but they had pictures of waffle cones. That guy was me.
I don`t drink to forget my problems. I drink because I survived them!
The only people without problems are in the cemetery.
Girls here`s an idea, instead of spending all that money on makeup. Just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.