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Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Why does Facebook even give me the option to `Like` my own status? Of course I like my status, I`m F*ck!ng Hilarious! ...and Sexy.
When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
Her (from the living room): What time is it out there? Me (in the kitchen): Same time as it is in there.
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame, go back to party, & place it on the mantel at the party.
I`ll never forget the first time I saw a dry erase board, "Wow" I thought, "that`s remarkable"
Farted in my wallet, Now I have gas money.
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
When I die, I am going to haunt the f*ck out of you people.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you... I would start thinking about you.
I`m running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?