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The sooner you fall behind the more time you´ll have to catch up.
One day, I will solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be with alcohol.
Chasing your dreams is hard... especially when that damn alarm keeps going off
My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"
Exaggerations went up a million percent last year.
I don`t have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
People should seriously stop expecting normal from me...We all know it`s never gonna happen
When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they`ve been lying.
“Oh boy, I can’t wait to be productive today.” – said no one ever
I`ve found a new coping mechanism....................COOKIES!
I went to the missing persons` beurau. No one was there.
Buys Mega-Millions ticket. Has a better chance of being hit by lightning in a cave.
It takes so much self control for me not to write, "you sure about that?" under Facebook engagement announcements.
Being all talk and no action sounds relaxing.
Ever wonder if we`re just a reality TV show for a more intelligent species?