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People that walk behind cars get exhausted
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I don`t need to go to church in order to feel ashamed of myself on Sunday morning.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
You know you`ve picked the right friends if no one has nominated you for the ice bucket challenge
Camping is fun if you`re into pretending that you`re homeless.
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
I found a real money maker in selling homing pigeons....... So far this month I sold mine 4 times.
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".
It`s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
OMG this is Freaky! Have 8 beers & 3 shots, go to your phone the next day, press ‘Recently Dialed’ & the name of your crush will appear!
You`re pretty cocky for someone with such a small ... vocabulary.
The only thing instant glue sticks to instantly is fingers.
Friending someone on Facebook and complaining about what they post is like phoning someone to tell them you don’t want to talk to them.
Putting ketchup on steak should also affect your credit score.