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There are over 4 million workplace injuries reported every year. Play it safe…call in sick tomorrow.
Fighting is bad. Breaking up a fight between a douchebag and the bar owner is good. Thank God I`m a ninja.
People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.
Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.
What do you call a black woman with braces?... A Black and Decker P@cker Wrecker!
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don`t have iPhone. 2) I don`t have a girlfriend.
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
Being able to eat while watching Hannibal makes you more of a psychopath than anyone on the show.
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.
My Retirement Plan hinges on having at least one successful kid.
I checked my horoscope today and all I can say is ...WOW!! I`m a Taurus and I looked it up and sure enough,it says I was born between 4/21-5/21!! Well played horoscope, well played.
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
You`re pretty cocky for someone with such a small ... vocabulary.
I`m smiling ... You should be scared.