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You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
I always take a number at the deli, and I`ve been keeping them.... Eventually I`ll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn.
So it`s racist to call a team Redskins but it`s okay to call a restaurant Cracker Barrel ?
If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
Hey Ladies..Prince charming is Gay and living with Mr. Right
Show me a bunch of people with type A personalities, and I`ll show you a control group.
There is a 100% chance that I’ve called some of the most wonderful people in the world the most horrible things imaginable while in traffic.
I found a dollar in my bed this morning... Following my excitement was a flash of panic as I checked all my teeth
Hey,,,, I said I`d be there in 10 minutes... Quit calling me every half hour.
I`d like to thank Tetris for making me really good at loading my dishwasher.
Was that lightning? ... No, they`re taking pictures for Google Earth.
I wonder how many people read my statuses and say `I hope he`s getting professional help`?
Drinking Tip: Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don`t need to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.
Back in my day we had 9 planets.