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Some days your the bug; some days your the windshield.
Why do the people with the most annoying voices always appear to have the worst case of verbal diarrheal??!!
You will never be happier than a girl who just discovered her dress has pockets.
You know you are paranoid when you think this joke is about you.
If you watch the Twilight movies backwards, Kristen Stewart still can`t act.
Apparently there is no age limit on ignorance.
Some people just lack the ability to realize that everyone in the room wants them to shut up.
It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married, right?
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Where have you been all my life? Can you go back there?
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
When we married, she treated me like a God. As time went by, the letters got reversed
?"Cheating" is such a strong word. I rather call it "talent scouting".
What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Vine, and medical records.
All cookies are "bite size" if you believe in yourself enough.