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I`m sorry I slapped you. It`s just you seemed like you weren`t going to stop talking and I panicked.
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don`t want anymore children living on our street.
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
Yes I admit I am a freak. Now, grab some whip cream, some feathers, handcuffs, blindfold, a whip and follow me into the kitchen.
If looks could kill, mirrors would be the leading cause of death among ugly people
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
I’ve realized I get ridiculously nervous driving behind semi’s or trucks carrying sh!t that could fall out and impale me all because of final destination 2.
Before you have any hope for the future of humanity, come and look at how this guy parked.
Buying someone flowers is kind of a weird idea. Like: Hey, these are for you, now watch them slowly die, because I love you.
So many fun things to say … too many relatives on Facebook to post!
In Canada, she`s Kilometery Cyrus.
I bought the world`s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it`s terrible.
That one day of fame on Facebook because it`s your birthday.
The problem with some people is that they’re alive.
Women say childbirth is the most painful thing... obviously they have never stepped on a Lego.