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How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don`t show it to her.
I`m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.
Remember the good old days when LOL meant "Laugh out loud" and not "I can`t think of a good reply"?
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
Wow! it`s late.. I need to hit the sack........ Then go to bed.
The only thing I understand about Algebra: I look at my X and I wonder Y
I`m on a pepperoni pizza cleanse.
Thanks to Facebook, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Dear middle finger, Thank you for sticking up for me.
Ermegerd! I WON EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!!!!! Again! I love being self employed..
It`s all good and well until the fecal matter impacts the electric powered air current generation device.....
Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.
By thigh gap you mean the distance between the KFC and my mouth right.
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
Forget Klondike, you should see what I`d do for an open bar.