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GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
The guy who invented wet t-shirt contests probably has no idea that shirts can just be taken off.
I`m not fat, God gave me built in airbags because I`m so precious.
Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.
We look like we are being productive, but really, we are just talking sh!t about co-workers and how drunk we got last weekend.
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
If I could bring one dead person back to life I`d bring back Walk Disney. Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction..
So I harvested my tomato today, it`s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
How do we know that all the ancient Greek sculptures aren`t just victims of Medusa?
I`d like to thank Tetris for making me really good at loading my dishwasher.
I dont need to control my anger everyone around me needs to control their habit of pissing me off!
I just did some calculations and I`ve been able to determine that you`re full of sh!t.
My neighbor put the box his fridge came in on the curb for trash pickup. Guess who has a new fort!
It`s kind of creepy that you noticed me staring at you.