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Nothing makes me turn off my car and start leisurely Facebooking than someone honking at me to pull out of a parking space.
It`s pretty stupid the way mornings have to come every morning.
I`ve been having really bad headaches lately. The doctor said they were all in my head.
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
My face hurts from pretending to like you.
I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I`m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
"There`s a sleeping person. Let`s go ask it questions." – Children
No one looks more depressed than a grown man walking away from the microwave with a Lean Cuisine meal in his hands.
Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
I Hope I can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Some of you ladies need to ease up on the makeup until we get this clown situation resolved.
You say you want to bring me back to reality. You’re assuming I’ve been there before.
Just remember, outside of that beautiful slim bride on her wedding day there’s a fat woman just waiting to get in.
Sometimes I listen to strangers conversations and mentally give my opinion