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When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don`t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I`m gonna open a bar and name it Rehab.....
Doctor: How is your headache? Me: She is fine.
It`s tough being a people person when you can`t stand most people.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don`t wanna have to explain why I`m in your `Random Party Pics 08` album at 4am.
How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
"I wish people would start doing ice bucket challenges again" - said no one ever!
There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.
There`s this cool trick I do where I post whatever the f*ck I want becasue this is my account, not yours.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who really do.
I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.
Leaving the house on a Monday morning would be so much cooler if someone would yell "Aaaaand Action!" as I walk out the door.
When I count calories it involves a bunch of multiplication.
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s…That’s because she changes it more often.
Ghetto Word of the Day: Window "Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don’t know window".