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My TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
I am totally lacking the "zippity" part of my "do dah day."
I`m not lying, I`m just making the story better.
Searching Netflix is almost more of an activity than watching a movie on Netflix.
I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn’t speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.
I’m not the friend you put on speaker phone.
I like dating chicks with kids, because fruity snacks
75% of women in open relationships don`t actually know it yet.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn`t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn`t, use the tape.
I just want to be perfect... Nah just kidding, I love being weird
A gay man is just one colonoscopy away from foreplay
Ok everyone enough of your "family" time, come back to the internet. We are your real family.
Women and children first because men deserve a little quiet time before the ship sinks.
People who say they suffer from constipation are usually full of sh!t.