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How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
Breaking News: Tuesdays suck just as much as Mondays.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When i quized him on it, he reckoned he could stop aaaany time . . . .
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I`d have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an I-pad
Do they have to play movies so loud at the theatre? I litterally have to scream into my phone.
LOL` the biggest lie on the internet.
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
I don`t make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.
Its better to have loved and lost, then stay with that psyco for one more sec
I licked some of the frosting, but then I just ate the whole cake. No evidence. Problem solved.
That fact that I need sun glasses to open my fridge means my night must have been awesome.