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“I’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “I`m telling mom”
Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
If you watch the Twilight movies backwards, Kristen Stewart still can`t act.
So I ran into an old girlfriend who I dated who`s new boyfriend she was with looked exactly like me when I was seeing her. You know, miserable
Lucky Charms should be 98% Marshmallows and 2% of that other sh*t.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
My mother in law called me today and said? ”Come quick. I think I’m dying” I said, ”Call me back when you’re sure”.
The bad news is I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. The good news is I no longer give a crap.
Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing?
Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is completely acceptable
I always find the "easy-open tab" right after I finally manage to tear the package open with my teeth.
Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail ... JK ...It was me.
Bacon is the only exception that does not fall under the 5 second rule for dropped food.
Jingle bells johnny smells, amelia ruled the show, frankies okay, marcus is gay, little mix all the way.. HAY !!!