Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
I´m not cheap, but I am on special this week
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin` spoon!"
Look, if your cart is in the middle of the aisle and I need to get by, then yes, this is bumper cars.
Nipples (noun) - the body`s way of telling you the weather
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
I don`t have to run faster than the lion, I just have to run faster than you.
On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with `unsubscribe`
With all the botched executions lately, it has been suggested that we bring back the guillotine. But if we do that I`m sure heads will roll.
Don`t be that guy that goes around saying "Don`t Be That Guy."
Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pr!ck.
When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think.
I want a man who loves me for my personality. Is it really to much to ask, I mean I do have several to pick from.
I`ve often wondered: Who the heck is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?