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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
Halloween Drinking Game: Drink every-time an Elsa (from Frozen) visits your house.
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
I don`t like people who can`t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
"Sleeping on the couch" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
what is the first thing a homeless person does when he`s on a computer? he searches through the recycle bin
My grandparents still use encyclopedias to google stuff.
If there`s no gravity underwater, why do mermaids need those seashell bra`s?
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
Some of my friendships are bad for my liver.
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
has a Massive drinking problem ... there is no alcohol in the house!