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It`s a little disappointing when you`re watching a school basket ball game & no one turns into a werewolf.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
This status is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.
Life is Hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.
I don`t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands.
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
I`m not worried about the zombie apocalypse that is coming. I`m worried about the fcuktard apocalypse that is here right now.
My nickname at work is "HR wants to see you"
A murderer was about to be put to death in the electric chair. "Do you have any last requests?" asked the chaplain. "One," he replied. "Will you hold my hand?"
doesn`t need any help being bad but u can come along for the ride if your up for it.
Given enough coffee, I believe I could rule the world.