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Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
My friend wants to know if you think I’m hot.
I just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that real hippos don`t actually eat marbles?
I thought about cleaning my room this weekend but didn`t do it. Then I remembered its the thought that counts so I feel better now
looong and hard, yep thats my pencil.
Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don`t get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
Choosing A Career Is Like Chosing A Wife From 10 Girls. Even If You Pick The Most Beautiful, Intelligent, Kindest Woman, There`s Still Pain Of Losing The Other 9
Go ahead caller 9!!
Wishing a happy unbirthday to everybody who`s birthday isn`t today.
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads
It`s a good thing the gas station is open today...... I still have time to do my Christmas shopping.
Just once I`d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do...Without being dragged out being told, "Ma`am, you`re not the bride..."
I`m 50% sure this cross eyed guy is starring at my tits.
Trying to master the art of eating a powdered donut without looking like I just left Charlie Sheen`s house.