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Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
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Girls are like guitars: easy to strum, hard to tune
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My neighbors look at me in a very weird way.. it’s like they never saw a guy with binoculars before.
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Chuck Norris doesn`t flush the toilet...he just scare the sh!t out of it.
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Life`s tough. It`s tougher if you`re stupid...
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I`m for driverless cars, but honestly, having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of sh!t 24/7
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Sometimes my kid likes me, but I`m pretty sure it`s only because I`m his Oreo dealer.
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Somebody told me I`m horrible with names.
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I`m optimistic that within my lifetime it will become acceptable to wear your underwear to the supermarket.
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Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
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It`s always quiet on here at the weekends, it`s like you people have lives or something...
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I`d care more about your feelings if they came with a toy and chicken nuggets.
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The best way to get over someone is probably with your car
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Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
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It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally
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