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For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
Quiet people have the loudest minds.
Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
Please respect the revolving door speed that has already been established.
Redneck Term Of Thee Day-Wisdom: "Mah bruther had him some kidney stones, but he wisdom out!"
Even when I’m home alone, I still answer Jeopardy questions out loud.
ME- I love it when you lay me down like that, the way you touch my belly and put cold things on me baby DOCTOR- Miss this is a medical examination and you are making me extremely uncomfortable
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
Friends don’t let friends twerk.
GAL: Would you keep me in your heart forever? BOY: Nop! GAL: (sadly)...why? BOY: Because then you`ll occupy only one part of me...but i`ll keep you in my heart, mind & let you complete me.
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
am I the only one who would beat the sh!t out of someone for wearing a "forever lazy" to a tailgate?