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I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
I`m not saying I`m lazy, but someone wrote "wash me" on my car so I just wrote back "nah"
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
Whenever I check my weight, I always subtract 5 pounds. I don`t think that boobs and brains this fabulous should count against me.
The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
How did the inventor of the clock know what time it was?
How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
I slept like a rock last night, meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
A court date is still technically a date, right?
I don`t know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.
You`re right, you didn`t ask that guy for a d!ck pic, but nobody asked for hundreds of pictures of your face either.
The man who created the Thesaurus has died. He`ll be fondly remembered, commemorated, memorialized, recalled and recollected.
Give a man a fish & he`ll be all "WTF are you giving me a fish for? That`s weird" Teach a man to fish & he`ll be all "Again with the fish?"