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Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I don`t really understand why women are expected to be able to cook if they can give blowjobs.
I like people. I just don`t want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
Have we even tried giving Mother Nature a Snickers?
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very real.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just "Morning," don`t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ "Noon." Seriously, what did ya expect?
Saying you like one political party over another, is like saying one filthy whore is prettier than the other filthy whore.
Q: What do you call apple-flavoured marijuana? A: iPot
A new heavy metal Christian Rock band will soon be releasing their debut album. They`re called Nuns `n` Moses.
I`ve found the most effective way to get an attractive guy to fall for me is by simply using my charm... and then a stun gun.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I love to punch in the face.
I wish I could get excited as a redneck drinking cheap beer and watching cars go around in circles for hours.
There should be a law requiring the cashier to high five you every time you buy a box of condoms.
I don`t blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I`d be irresponsible too.
If I`m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.