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I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...
I just ran 3.5 miles in 30 minutes! Ha! Just kidding, I ate some ice cream.
Money can buy imitation happiness. I’m cool with that.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is my phone?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch, dumba$$."
At least thirty percent of my workout is spent picking a different song.
What a lovely winter we`re having this spring.
Blood moon, shooting stars....I gotta move to a safer galaxy
Whoever invented the 5 day work week and 2 day weekend can suck my a**!
I would like to thank you people for letting me know its Friday every week. Its thoughts like this that keep me on Facebook.
Fast way to mess up someones Knock Knock joke? "It`s open."
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
I`m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.
One man’s potato is another man’s vodka.
My best friend sent me a message saying,"Your stupid," I replied,"atleast I know the difference between you`re and your,"
My friend thinks he`s so smart. He said onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.