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I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
“Let me rephrase this question so I can get pissed off at you all over again.” - WOMEN
Coaster? You`re assuming I plan to put my drink down...
I`m always extra nice to the weird kid, so one day he`ll spare my life when he finally snaps.
Are you thinking what I`m thinking? ... F**king pervert. I`m calling the cops.
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
The boss said I should let my creative juices flow. What he doesn’t know is that my creative juices are vodka and cranberry.
I`m too lazy to ever write a biography. Story of my life.
Some days the only thought that stops me from being Dexter...is that I am WAY too pretty to go to prison
If only someone on the internet would give me their opinion on the election.
The trick is not let anyone know how really weird you are until it’s too late to back out.
Can you imagine if Facebook and Twitter just decided to shut down and you see all these confused people coming out of their house squinting at the sun.
You never outgrow sleepovers, they just become coed.
Facebook really needs a “pee on someone’s wall” option.
I`m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I`ve been to in the last week that`s had "insufficient funds".