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Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there`s a cop hiding in the bushes
I don`t have issues... I AM an issue
I f*cking hate you. Hope that clears things up.
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That`s the last time we`re playing Monopoly.
B!tch, I will slap you by accident on purpose.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
It`s a small world, but I wouldn`t want to paint it.
I`m confused by this "It`s 5 o`clock somewhere" statement. Bars open at 11. Idiots.
There are two types of people in this world: those who know how to handle stress, and those who need bail money.
Hello? HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet but you sent me a printer.
Since joining Facebook, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.