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Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
Please don`t wear skinny jeans if you don`t have skinny genes.
Doctor: How is your headache? Me: She is fine.
If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
I can`t wait to procrastinate.
Marriage tip: Don`t
Can someone else be a sex symbol today? ... My good T-shirt is still in the wash...
Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person`s life takes serious commitment.
FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you’re brave enough.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
I think people who challenge me at Words With Friends are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) I`m not motivated enough B) You would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.
Dear Lord, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn`t give me much else to work with.