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I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
It`s so cold outside I had to put Jack in my Coke to keep it from freezing.
I`m all for the "going green" thing, but I just can`t bring myself to buy toilet paper that says, "100% Recycled."
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
No one can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it ;)
My level of sarcasm is to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come into work.
I know I should lift weights, but those things are heavy!!
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
Before you have any hope for the future of humanity, come and look at how this guy parked.
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
"Don`t cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse."
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses. The stables have turned.
Common sense has become so rare it should be classified as a superpower.