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Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.
Do people who run know that we’re not food anymore.
We`re all just nudists in disguise.
Sometimes, I`ll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it`d be cool if you moved out."
Hey you know what will go good with all that beer you just drank? Social media and a camera phone!
None of the animals I designed and invented are at the zoo. Do they even check the suggestion box?
Hey, does anyone know which side you`re supposed to wear your fanny pack on? I want to really nail this job interview tomorrow.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you`re better off staying home with no pants on.
Shout out to people who are hard of hearing.
My wife says I talk while I sleep. But I’m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
I don`t get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath
SAFETY TIP: Lock your doors and windows before bed. By the way, I love what you`ve done with the place.
If you don’t like my sense of humor please tell me… so I can laugh at you!
The older I get the better I used to be.