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Iām not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot.
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
I wanted to say thank you to all the people who gave me a reason to drink this Friday night.
How did Mexico keep enough people from crossing the border to field a full soccer team?
Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.
The worst part about being alone is I don`t have anyone to get me a beer from the fridge.
People with the loudest car audio systems usually have the worst taste in music.
My Dr said I am a sex addict. I ask him how he knew and he said you are a man.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like `Stabbyrabbit` or `Weaponrat`
Why don`t family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7
I can`t unfriend you because I really enjoy watching the disaster that is your life.
Ever noticed that `beer can` in a british accent sounds exactly like `bacon` in a jamaican accent?