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"I don`t know what the f*ck this tastes like." - first person to eat chicken.
Why don`t we ever hear anyone bragging about their Allstate safe driving bonus checks?
So, all theses years I thought it was the dyer making my shirts not fit. now I`m pretty sure it the refrigerator.
Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
Don`t under estimate me... unless you`re trying to guess how old I am or how much I weigh.
I`m now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.
Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That`s what going back to an ex is like.
I cleaned my room and still smells like smoke, stale beer and sweat. This is the last time I use "Mr. Sheen" cleaner.
Without the sanctity of marriage there wouldn`t be job security for divorce attorneys and marriage counselors.
Well, it`s about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, and head on home from work.
Pizza: 73% delicious, 27% also delicious.
This coffee would work better if I could throw it at people.
Decided to cut back on my beer drinking. Fortunately, this martini is helping me through this tough time.
Life is all about tough decisions such as… Getting enough sleep or staying on the internet.
Let’s be the generation that stops putting things in our butts and having to go to the emergency room to get them taken out, shall we?