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That awkward moment when You accidentally hit the LIKE button During Facebook stalking.
It took dozens and dozens of flushes and a plunger, but my guinea pig`s funeral is finally over.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it`s because they`ve just killed someone right?
Guys... If the girl your getting down with doesn`t even have time to fake an orgasm..... It`s prob best you just make your sandwich
Tire rotation? Nice try, mechanic! I rotated my tires like a thousand times on the drive over here.
Logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
It`s amazing how we are very good lawyers for our own mistakes and very good Judges for other people`s mistakes.
?"I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the "why aren`t you wearing pants" look."
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
Today`s brilliant idea: Slim Fast beer.
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me " maybe life isn`t for everyone"
If you try to pronounce “lmao” you sound like a french cat.