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How to make friends: 1. Tell people you have weed.
I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
The WWF advert asks, “When the ice goes, where do the polar bears go?” ... Well, swimming, I suppose.
I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::…:::::
I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it`s the duct tape of food.
Got tasered at speed dating again.
When you "pretend speak" to someone in the background while ordering takeout so that the restaurant doesn`t judge your big order for one.
I`m so bitchy right now ... I won`t even talk to myself!!
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
You ever want to just grab someone and say, WTF is wrong with you?
When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
My ice bucket challenge: 1. Buy bucket 2. Add ice 3. Add 12 beers 4. Sign into FB and drink