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Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Im pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
You don`t see faith healers working in hospitals, just like you don`t see psychics winning the lottery every week.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Somebody asked for my name today, and when I told them they said "That`s an unusual name. You don`t hear that everyday" to which I replied "Well actually... I do"
Imagine being naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog.
Never look at your beer as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer.
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
I`m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out. We are going to watch tv.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it`s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I was going to exercise this morning, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
I`m tired of doing math. I guess I`ll get my lazy as up and fix my clocks today
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
"I understand your logic, but let`s try to look at this more emotionally." - women
I will literally spend $20 on food but won’t buy a $20 shirt.