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"I`d like a bowl of soup please." "Any sides?" "I hope so, or it`ll go EVERYWHERE."
I just did my budget for August. If I don`t buy food ... I won`t need toilet paper. I think I`m on to something here.
One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
Fun things to do in Walmart: Take the ``try me`` stickers off of the toys & place them on condom boxes.
Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.
That Awkward Moment when you Greet you Brother on some random website. Brett to Daniel. sup Lerch!
people say i talk in my sleeep , but no one at work seems to notice
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
Oh no. I thought of a brilliant status to update while taking bath but by the time I got back to my phone I forgot it. This is why I hate taking a bath.
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me...
There`s a bald spot in my yard so I`m gonna let the grass grow around it really long and then do a comb over.
Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.
I wish that some of my coworkers were not allowed in the break room because those are the people I need a break from.
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.