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Better pound all these beers so I can get the bottles in the bin for recycling day.
All guys should learn from Mario Bros. No matter how far their princess is, they should go after her.
My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
I don`t hate you, but if you we`re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
if your happy and you know it ---thank your ex
Please accept this bundle of fragrant plants grown expressly to be killed while in their prime as a token of my love for you.
Do crabs think we walk sideways?
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I would of never even thought of touching half the things that I`ve touched, if it weren`t for the "Do not touch" signs!
Coffee is just a hug for your insides.
People complain about auto-correct but it is helpful 99% of the titties.
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!
If a gay guy doesn`t write a book called "Fifty Shades of Haaaaaayyy" I`ll be disappointed.
Fact: No one has ever "Jumped in the shower."