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My dad said if I don`t get of facebook in 3 seconds he would jab my face into the keyboahajsirksjapquebxm
A recent survey of one person reveals that 100% of me thinks I should leave work early.
Do you ever just sit there and think “why am I not rich”?
My resume is basically just a list of things I hate to do.
Life would be so much more interesting if we all had cartoon bubbles over our heads.
How can I go to sleep when this movie I’ve seen 70 times just started?
if truth is what u want...in return alcohol is all I want...
Save water- shower with me!
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
Being clean and sober means i’ve showered and am heading to the liquor store.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
Remembering to remember is always the first thing I forget.
Im still waiting for Anheuser-Bush to name a beer "responsibly" so i can drink it!
My sex life is just like my typing skills. One handed.