Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Today`s secret word is "epic". When someone says the secret word scream real loud and punch them in the face.
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
Change is always hard.... Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I live for two reasons. 1) I was born. 2) I haven`t died yet.
If no one from the future comes back to stop you, is it really that bad of an idea?
My Hamster passed today, he fell asleep at the wheel.
To honor Thanksgiving this month I will be calling every one Pilgrim instead of Dude or Bro-- Fair warning
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I`m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
I go out all day looking good and saw no one I know. I go out for 5 minutes looking like sh!t and it`s all of the sudden a f*cking reunion.
Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”
Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
The problem with today`s children is that today`s parents are idiots.
The best thing about the internet is knowledge. You have all this knowledge at your fingertips! And we get to share what we learn with others! Oh...wait a second. I forgot about porn. OK I take it back. PORN is the best thing about the internet!
Tieam... problem solved