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The final stage of adulthood is when you start saying, "Oooh, that breeze feels nice."
Thought for the day: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where sh!tty ideas come from!
This dishwasher sucks. It`s already ruined three of my paper plates.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
I bet the guy who invented fake dog poo was upset the name "shampoo" was taken
So apparently RSVP`ing back to a wedding invite `maybe next time` isn`t the correct response
had a great time horseback riding today but then I ran out of quarters
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
The only person that can procrastinate more than me hasn`t even been born yet.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I`m going to visit.
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
A fine is a tax for doing wrong...and a Tax is a fine for doing well
I`ve been single for a while and I have to say, it`s going very well. Like... It`s working out. I think I`m the one.
Oh, honey, you have gone beyond muffin top. That`s a busted can of biscuits!
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling