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I want to meet myself from someone else’s point of view.
My teen thought it`d be funny to post as me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Saying "I`m offended" is basically telling the world you can`t control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
ah... Crocs the 21st century version of the chastity belt
I will always be here for you. Unless we run out of beer and someone has some over there. Then I will be over there for you.
Well aren`t you a f*cking waste of two billion years of evolution.
I`m a responsible person. People are always saying "I know you`re responsible for this."
Please just put it in the fridge.... We`ll throw it away next week.
Why be full of hate when you can be full of pizza?
I`d probably get a lot more done if it wasn`t for me.
"Wish You Were Beer!" Wait...no...that`s right...send.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked ... So did all the other people at the post office.
Maybe don`t show me a picture if you don`t want me to rate your baby.
You know that old saying? If you seen one woman naked. You want to see all women naked.