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Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-a$$ing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Guuuyyyysssss, never ever play leapfrog with a unicorn.... Its not worth it.....
Dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows
I taught my wife everything she knows about male stupidity.
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
If you win a years supply of calendars, you would only win 1 calendar.
I`m afraid of a world run by adults who were never spanked as kids and got trophies just for participating.
How long do I have to stand in front of the microwave for to become a member of X-Men?
Saying "cool" also means, I don`t give a sh!t.
The awkward moment when you type HO instead of HI.
Having a pen!s is like having a friend that always wants to play.
I need to put someone on my weekend to-do list