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If it`s true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff
Social media - keeping people away from each other since 2006.
the kids next door challenged me to a water fight. I`m just updating my status while the kettle boils
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
The only yoga stretch I’ve perfected is the yawn.
Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you`re ugly.
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.
He won`t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to `SHUT YOUR DOG UP, D!CKS`
I`m glad it`s the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the sh!t I should be doing.
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior
Just once I`d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do...Without being dragged out being told, "Ma`am, you`re not the bride..."
Dear Autocorrect, She`s an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks. And now I`m never getting laid.
Figuring out that you`ll probably never figure it out is the first step of really figuring things out.