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Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Selfie... Because it`s important to realize that it`s not the photographer who is making you look ugly.
Just belted the dog in the drivers seat and pushed the car up to the drive-thru window
Have you ever noticed the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
It’s hard to tell if I’m dealing really well with life these days or if I just don’t give a sh!t.
Sometimes I feel like people I know are just using me for my likes.
Getting back with your ex is pretty much the same as taking a shower, getting out, and putting back on the same old dirty underwear.
“I don’t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others’ lives sounds fun!” – How I got out of jury duty
I don’t care how loud I’m laughing, I’m having fun and you’re not.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody`s there to appreciate it.
So the Boy Scouts are going to let girls join. Teenage boys and girls camping in the woods together. What could possibly go wrong?
I got kicked out of a Yoga class today. Apparently, your not supposed to do the `Downward Dog` on top of another person.
Chips have little nutritional value. That’s why you need to eat the whole bag.
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"
I`ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I`m actually talking to someone.