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It`s Thanksgiving. Don`t forget to set your scale back 25 lbs
I see the Seven Deadly Sins as more of a To-Do list.
Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
I made a chicken salad today... The little bastard didn`t even eat it.
Don´t believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
Sometimes I let the words in my mind come out of my mouth. And it feels awesome! B)
It`s not you, it`s me. I just don`t like myself when I`m around you.
I`ve got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let`s do this!
people say nobody`s perfect..i made nobody!..
Most of happiness just comes from staying away from idiots.
I dont hate you but, if you put `just about to jump off a cliff` as your facebook statuses i would poke you
Champagne says I`m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.