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Hot Pockets: For when you want every bite to be a different temperature.
I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer.
Don’t tell me what to do unless you’re naked.
Taking down my Christmas tree would probably just be a waste of time at this point.
Health tip: There`s never a `safe` time to shake a teenage boy`s hand. Never.
Apparently, I did not use enough a$$hole repellent today
I`ll be back before you can pronounce actillimandataquerin altosapaoyabayadoondib ab!
This is 2016. How come I can`t email someone a fart when I feel like it?
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
Nice try salad bars, there`s only one kinda bar I plan on attending.
I`ve been baptized five times this week in five different churches. I wish the landlord would hurry up and fix my shower.
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.
Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn’t have borrowed all that money.
Wow, that Macy`s parade is crazy! The Kanye West float just cut off Snoopy and said Woodstock can fly better!