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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
condoms prevent minivans
I`m not a doctor but I play one on Match.com
A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
Don`t know what to get your husband for Christmas? Whatever you give him, give it to him naked. Problem solved
That awkward moment when you`re telling the truth, but start laughing like crazy and everyone thinks you`re lying.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don`t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we`re playing Cowboys and Indians and I`m a double agent.
I should go to sleep but the Internet needs me.
I was chasing my dreams, but I tripped over reality and busted my head on the truth.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah`s ark.
In the morning there`s a huge difference between 6:00 and 6:05.
Smelling another person should be a choice.