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Women don`t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full access to your toothbrush.
I’m at Code 5 today. I don’t know. It’s something this lady in the coffee shop said and I liked it. So now I’m using it, too.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
The only instant messaging I enjoy is with my middle finger.
If the Internet was never invented... what would we all be doing now?
My phone dies faster than a black man in a horror film.
Some people think I`m quiet, others wish I was.
I was going to do a time travelling joke but you guys didn`t like it.
24 hours in a day.. 24 beers in a case.. coincidence?
Would you like to save money on your car insurance? Walk ... Just sayin
Happy Halloween… may all of your skeletons stay in the closet where they belong!
Reasons I check my voicemail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.