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I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you`ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Nothing like calling off work and watching porn all morning.
If I didn`t procrastinate, I probably wouldn`t do anything at all.
McDonald`s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party, so I invited All of her Friends over and made them clean the house.
I told my girlfriend I`m Harry Potter`s Godfather... She laughed hard and said "you can`t be Sirius"
Just realized all books are different combinations of the same 26 letters. This is BS!
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
A lot of guys get married just because they`re hungry.
Offering a hobo $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
I stop at random Jehovah`s Witness houses and drop off copies of Rolling Stone.
My favorite mythical creature is the happy b*tch in tampon commercials.
I don’t let my friends do stupid things… ALONE!