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You feel naked without your phone, I feel naked without my clothes.
Man, this Trojan gum I bought tastes terrible ... Blows amazing bubbles though
Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.
I just dusted and mopped the house like 3 months ago and it’s dirty again. This is bullsh!t.
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all.
My tricks aren`t for kids.
The unplanned moments tend to be the best ones.
I`m just a guy struggling to find the appropriate level of inappropriateness for every social interaction I`m unlucky enough to be a part of
Imagine all the amazing places you could take naps if you were Superman.
Your a$$ must be jealous everytime sh*t comes out of your mouth.
Note to self: Stop leaving notes to yourself, you never read them anyway...
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won`t tell you what they`re wearing.
I didn`t fall. The floor just needed a hug.
As you get older your Christmas list gets shorter, because the things you want can`t be bought.
Monday?! But, I wasnt even finished with Saturday yet.