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People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers
I spend too much money on food to afford any diet program...
I just gave my ex a big hug which can only mean one thing. That`s right I have the flu and I love sharing.
I have done some truly amazing things to get the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube.
Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.
Farted in my wallet, Now I have gas money.
Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.
I`m not worried about the zombie apocalypse that is coming. I`m worried about the fcuktard apocalypse that is here right now.
Today I recently discovered how to make my p@nis 12"...I just fold that b!tch in half.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house, but that fly is dead.
80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts...
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Every time I make plans to eat better I can hear my stomach laughing