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The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication
I wash once and dry 3-4 times, depending on how much I want to delay folding my clothes.
Why do prostitutes charge per hour? I mean, what are we supposed to do for the other 57 minutes?
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Today is National I Don`t Feel Like Doing Sh!t Day. Celebrate accordingly.
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
no one is perfect thats why pencil have eraser
Marriage counseling - because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they are being an a$$
A guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It`s pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.
Thanksgiving is a great time to test the boundaries of how drunk you can get before your family members notice.
“Star Wars” fans are very upset that the story line of the upcoming new “Star Wars” movie has been leaked. Apparently the movie starts with R2-D2, Chewbacca, and Han
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments so they look crazy.