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I pack an hour before leaving for a trip but unpacks 3 months after coming home
A beautiful woman could post "My dog just died" and she would get replies like "Well, I`m not dead ;)"
There`s never been a lazier group of people than the ones that settled on naming a candy bar "Whatchamacallit."
Why am I single? Answer me. . . ANSWER ME YOU STUPID CATS!!!
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers on high.
I don’t need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is a glass.
I bought one of the "Books for Dummies" for 50% off, but I needed help to figure out what the price was.
Don`t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.
Press 1 for someone who probably learned English last month, but is going to try and communicate effectively with you anyway.
You`ll never see me on Hoarders because I can`t afford that much sh!t.
OK. So I took the road less traveled. Now where the hell am I?
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them much more often
"I’m definitely going to do that tomorrow.” — Me being delusional