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I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
I think on December 21 all the power companies should shut off the power for like 10 minutes just to make people flip out.
The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
Let’s get naughty and save Santa the trip.
The filling in this fortune cookies tastes like paper...
u smile i smile u laugh i laugh u cry i`ll go get a bat and say who`s gonna get it
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by tequila last night...
Did you know that running for just 10 minutes a day raises your risk of posting inspirational quotes by 63%?
Some days the problem is I care too much... Today was not one of those days...
went to the book store earlier to buy a Where´s Waldo book. When I got there, I couldn´t find the book anywhere. Well played Waldo, well played.
I am upping my standards.. so up yours!
No officer I wasn’t texting, that’s dangerous. I was checking my email.
A blind man walks into a bar....and a stool....and a table....
I`m posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they`re making ceramic bowls.