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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren’t there Starbucks pumpkin spice latte trucks in the winter?
People all around the world are out doing interesting and productive things right now. You are reading this.
there`s only 2 things in life you have control in changing that is your attitude and a kids diaper.. which at times both can be the equivalent of the other..
The Push Up ice cream company should just buy out Pringles and make all of our lives easier.
Life in the fast lane ? Heck, I live in oncoming traffic.
If I share my food with you, it’s either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don’t want it.
Sooooo, ..a friend of mine was watching my dog lick herself in a certain area. Out of nowhere he says, "I wish I could do that." ...I said, "Go ahead, but she might bite."...
thinks it would be great if we really burped bubbles when we were drunk .. just like in cartoons.
The closest I ever got to murdering is when I held a Oreo cookie in milk until the bubbles stop.
Days that I don’t have to care about my appearance are my favorite days.
I´m thankful for Facebook. Before, I would just scream out my thoughts to anyone who would listen.
Don`t worry, kids. Being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.