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How come know-it-alls, don`t know how annoying they are?
I`m a spontaneous procrastinator
Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.
Marriage: It`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
Sometimes I think "What would Dexter do"?
I know exactly how a bomb technician feels when I try to open a cup of cherry mixed fruit without the juice spraying out.
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
My neighbor`s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Sorry about last night texts. My phone was drunk.
The internet has made me so ADD. Started off googling "how to replace a timing belt" ended up watching a video on how to milk a camel.
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.
sleep is for people without netflix
Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn`t for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.
What doesn`t kill you, will hopefully try again
I only have one word for women who look at me like Iām some kind of sex object ... Hi.