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A jealous woman does better research than the FBI
My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
I once found a whip, a mask, a baton and handcuffs in my Mother-in-Law`s draw... who knew she was a superhero. Nice!!!
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I`m going to need those back.
I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert...or need to set someone`s house on fire. Either way, I`m prepared.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don`t have great childing skills either.
Facebook. Where people can express thoughts that otherwise might get them fired, divorced, thrown in a loony bin or all three.
Is "drunk" an emotion? Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now...
Just found a hole in my sock and now I`m worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
Didn`t win the lotto again ... send prayers.
I never wanted to grow up, I just wanted to be tall enough to reach the cookies.
Apparently you can not demand to be strip searched.
Even if women came with an instructions manual men still wouldn`t read it.
My browser asks "are you sure?" when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history