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I wanna see Mythbusters do the bible.
I hate when my girlfriend accuses me of something I didn`t think she knew about.
I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
I`m not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Just Failed my Health and Saftey Test.The question was,"What steps would u take,in case of a fire?!"Big f*cking ones"was the wrong answer.
I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
I need to stop making things more complicated than they need to be. I`m adding that to my bucket Power Point presentation.
If your phone doesn´t ring it´s me.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
I wish my bladder had a snooze button.
Apparently when your girlfriend says "f*ck that bitch", you`re not supposed to take her seriously.
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you can just plow thru Uranus because it`s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
"There are singles in your area." - me telling a stripper she forgot some money on the floor
This ad says: "3 out of 5 smokers die" Apparently the other 2 become immortal.