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If you watch COPS backwards it`s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they`d lose the alarm and just announce that there`s free food by the stairs.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with large amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that`s the best medicine.
Beach Rule #17: Never ask anyone under the age of 35 if they`ve seen your shuttlecock
Okay kids don`t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger`s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Every day is a constant battle of trying to convince myself I don’t like cookies.
People who walk in front of the theatre screen while you`re watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.
Kinda like Facebook, I wish I could ‘hide’ people in real life.
Anyone who knows me obviously knows a shit ton about awesomeness.
I only support ghost hunting if you need the ghost for food.
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.
I was going to give you a nasty look but I see you already have one!
If I was just learning English and you told me a sport called BOXING takes place in a SQUARE area called a RING, I`d probably give up.
Fun Fact: Over 97.8% of men have already made mistakes this year that a woman will remind him about for the rest of his days.