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Nothing makes me turn off my car and start leisurely Facebooking than someone honking at me to pull out of a parking space.
I want my next girl to be crazy but more "Lets have sex in public" crazy rather than "I throw hot coffee in your face" crazy.
The only technique I`ve mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.
To trick people into thinking I understand things at a museum I stand in front of every painting and silently count to twenty.
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
I like to start my morning off with a good nap.
The grass is always greener over the septic tank
I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"
Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package.
For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don’t have them, you cry about it.
It takes about 2.9 seconds for me to go from “this is the best day ever” to “I want to stab every person on planet Earth.”
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.
I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i`m pretty sure they`re hallucinations.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you`ve got alzheimers.