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According to my nipples, summer is over
How do you play religious roulette? You stand around in a circle with your friends and blaspheme, and see who gets struck by lightning first.
It`s crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won`t keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
I would call my fashion style: “clothes that still fit.”
How much do those guys who yell in the back of rap songs make? I could totally do that.
Would you be a deer and run out in front of my car for me?
Well...today is the day. Just gotta build up the nerve to tell my dog she is adopted.
There`s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
I`m not lying, I`m just making the story better.
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband
Sorry, when I said I have the stamina of an NBA player in bed I meant I take 10 timeouts in the final 2 minutes.
You know you are the ugly one if they ask you to take the photo.
Don`t just be one of those people who stares at their phone or computer twelve hours a day. It`s important to also watch some TV.
"Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife`s question: "how does my make-up look?"
Wanna have a little fun? Post "Anyone know a good lawyer?" Then sit back and watch the speculation run wild!