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The best nicknames are the ones people don`t know they have.
People like you remind me how lucky I am that my cell phone provider has a block option! Just sayin.
Marriage is for quitters
I like to pee on car windows in subzero weather, happy scraping
Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.
My house is not messy. Those are just obstacles I`ve put in place for burglars.
Iām convinced that the employees of McDonalds were just customers who could pay and are working off their bills.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up...
The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.
I used to eat natural food, until I heard people were dying of natural causes
Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.
I was standing in front of the mirror eariler, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
This post was going to be really funny but I didn`t write it down because I was totally sure I`d remember it.
A homeless man told me he hadn`t had a bite in weeks, so I bit him.