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A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy.
I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting
I don’t even know what I don’t know.
Honking your horn won´t make them go any faster, but at least they´ll know that you´re an asshole.
1. OMG will this ever end? 2. OMG will this ever end? 3. OMG will this ever end? - top 3 things on my mind when I`m in a conversation
It`s impossible to get a parking ticket if you don`t have windshield wipers.
You know that awkward moment when you thought someone`s talking to you so you reply to them , then they look at you weird .
Husband for sale: 1972 model, white in colour, a bit hard on gas but comes with a spare tire.
Auto correct changed "group hug" to "grope hug" and I`m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing itself immediately after I pet her.
Facebook: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk post the world?
I bet if we all threw our problems into a big pile, we’d see everyone else’s and scramble to get ours back.
A police officer just knocked on my door to tell me my dogs were chasing kids down the road on bikes.. Umm.. My dogs don`t even own bikes?
People who learned a bunch of stuff must have felt pretty stupid when Wikipedia came out.