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Today I gave up procrastination for Lent.
Please don`t wear skinny jeans if you don`t have skinny genes.
The real trouble with reality is that there´s no background music
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life.
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,400 hours. Roughly the same as one Monday on earth feels.
If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own jokes.
My stomach just growled so hard I thought I was getting a text message.
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.
What an intoxicated Schwarzenegger might say to a police officer: "I`m an IDIOT you COP!"
I need to find a woman that loves me for my money....but doesn`t understand math. (<>..,<>)
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!
Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so f**k it!