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If it’s called tourist season, why can’t you shoot at them?
I`m pretty sure all dogs can smell drugs. It`s just that most of them aren`t snitches.
Why periods? Why can`t Mother Nature just text me and be like, "Whaddup Girl?, You ain`t pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to ya next month."
Every-time I run I hear Mario Brothers theme song in my head, and look for things to jump over.
Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone`s throat.
My wife asked me if I knew her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct response
The best things in life require no pants.
These peopele at the gym are looking at me like they expect me to share my donuts ... SMH
It`s not their fault, per se, but at some point, Crayola has to be held responsible for continuing to make crayons nostril-width.
I`d like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...
My doctor asked if any members of you family suffers from insanity, I replied "nope they seem to enjoy it!"
You know you`re fat when you run out of breath eating.
People really need to get with the times. Smartphones are not for talking anymore.
if your looking for love sorry to disappoint you im already in a relationship with fun and freedom. :-)
Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn`t for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.