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Damn boy! Are you a slinky? Cause I wanna wanna push you down a flight of stairs, then kick you when you stop halfway to the bottom.
While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald`s stops serving breakfast.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" and watch the panic set in.
Aren`t you too fat to be this rude?
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
I’m always impressed when I can stump auto-correct...
I`m not sure it`s possible to fill a moving truck these days without the word "Tetris" being brought into the conversation.
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming... 1. Whenever you`re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you`re right, shut up.
Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a taxi fill up at a gas station
Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade`s gonna suck!
Personally, I think failure should be an option
If I’m going to sweep all of my problems under the rug, then I’m going to need a bigger rug.