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Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.
Its not my fault if I blame everyone for my mistakes...right?
I can`t be trusted with your alphabet magnets.
Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.
I hope to get to the point in my life where I`m not excited about finding change on the ground.
Game of Thrones characters should have to wear jerseys with their names on the back
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
I`m glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn`t do the whole dictionary
Press 1 for someone who probably learned English last month, but is going to try and communicate effectively with you anyway.
Just printed out 50 copies of today`s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I`m just not in the mood for small talk.
You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you`re already there.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Sometimes my sarcasm is so intense that even Iām not sure if Iām kidding or not.
"You blew a tranny" means something completely different to an auto mechanic.
One dog was admiring another dog`s leash, and said, "I admire your restraint."