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If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 7 am is sexy... Then yeah, I`m your guy.
Babe, you look Hot! Is your air conditioner broken?
I left a note in the break room at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn`t found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
says if you don`t like the way I live my life, than there is some good news... you aren`t me!!
I took out an ad for a girlfriend recently and 10 guys tried to give me theirs.
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
I wonder if there are birds that prefer not to sing in the morning and that just roll around in their nests until noon.
If “dress for the job you want” were true, there would be a lot more people wearing capes.
I`d kill for a microwave that plays Europe`s “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.
First Rule of Camping: Put up the tent before you start drinking.
How strange, some guy just waved half of a peace sign at me...
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they`ll dig the wrong way. It`s called thinking ahead guys.
I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.
Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time