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Your family tree has a couple of coconuts
I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
Currently helping my girlfriend look for her chocolates that I ate 5 hours ago...
The covers of this book are too far apart.
If I could move things by telekinesis I`d squeeze people`s insides and make them fart.
Is it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?
Next time I get a bunch of, "likes," on a comment I post on someones status/photo etc.. Im gonna edit my comment and change the whole comment to, "like this status if you would f*ck your father." Just to make anyone else who reads it from then on think ill about the people who liked it. ™
I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.
My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance.... We`ll see about that.
If I share my food with you, it’s either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don’t want it.
There should be a law requiring you to explain what gluten is before you’re allowed to complain about it.
You`re always ahead of schedule when it comes to disappointing me.
I don`t need WebMD to tell me what`s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.