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People, like prescription drugs, should have to list the side effects they`re likely to cause.
My wife just made a "special" dinner "just for me" for no apparent reason. I`m going to die, right ?
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
I`m surprised more killers haven`t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
The TV is so loud! But not quite loud enough to make me get up and get the remote.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Rescue helicopters should have white lights at the end of their blade so when they spin it looks a halo.
Billion dollar idea: A phone that charges using body fat!
You know what`s beautiful? Read the first word again.
Working on my 32 point plan to be more spontaneous. Any suggestions?
Things you need to know about me: 1- I`m lazy 2- hmm, one is enough
From all these shows I`ve watched it seems like snipers lay down a lot of the day....I`d probably be pretty good at that job.
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but I like women.
My Facebook movie is already in the dollar bin at Walmart.
I can`t wait to miss the upcoming season of American Idol.