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I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
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I don’t have a problem with caffeine.I have a problem without caffeine.
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Something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow.
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I`m not ignoring you, I am simply giving you time to reflect on what an idiot you are being.
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All the coffee beans in South America can`t make me a morning person.
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And yet another year goes by with People magazine failing to recognize my beauty.
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I don’t need a reason to do stupid things, just a venue.
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It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.
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So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
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The leading cause of divorce ? ... marriage
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Please just put it in the fridge.... We`ll throw it away next week.
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Why do we feel safe under blankets? It`s not like a murderer will come in thinking "I`m gonna ki..- ahh damn! He`s under a blanket
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The only sit up I do is the one I use to get out of bed.
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Welcome to the obesessive-compulsive hotline... please press 1 repeatedly.
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Now tell me how old your baby is in hours.
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