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You never really know how many inches you`re gonna get or how long it`ll last. Snow, maybe.
My greatest fear is that I will accidentally use the status update bar as the search bar on my browser.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead, but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.
Any hedge can be a maze if you are drunk enough.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
If you really think about it, "Nightlife" is just a fancy word for drinking alcohol at a place that isn`t your house.
MAY` contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn`t. DON`T WASTE MY TIME
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life
I feel like I have not told enough people lately to kiss my mother f*cking a$$.
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts “Batman” when he’s drunk. I know I do.
Auto correct changed "group hug" to "grope hug" and I`m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
When I was a kid, I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait....
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.