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Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
I’m an only child, and I’m still not the favorite.
My Bills are so big that I have to call them William now.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
wants to come back as a bird after I die.... just so i can sh!t on the people who piss me off.
You tell me I`m crazy, the voices tell me I`m not. 4 against 1, so........
Is somebody not editing what I´m saying here???
I think it`s really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Benjamin, agrees with me.
So far, I`ve had exactly "call my ex" number of beers tonight!!!
I would never survive a real job because I dont like being told when I can eat lunch...
I`m reaching the point where I really hope it`s not possible to be annoyed to death.
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.
The problem with money is that too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.
I like to think that people that unfriend me wake up months later regretting that irreversible and life altering decision.
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.