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You don`t get to complain about life until you move out of your parent`s house.
Ya Know, if I was Jessie`s Girl. I would of dumped Jessie for Rick Springfield!!
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, "Fire", "Free beer" or "The free beer is on fire”
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
Calm down ... Take a deep breath and hold it for about 30 minutes.
Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
Give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate.
To-Do List : Nothing[?]
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule
I`m out like a fat kid playing dodge ball..
I just realized that Mr. Rogers had the first man-cave.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.
Life is too short for fake butter, cheese or people.