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The more you know. Daylight Savings started back in 1964 when Jerry Daylight Savings was an hour late for work & convinced his boss all the clocks were wrong.
I love going for walks in the rain. You can pee your pants and no one will be the wiser.
Lazy is a very strong word, I like to call it “selective participation.”
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
I can almost always tell when dinosaurs in movies aren’t real.
Bring me the heads of my enemies!! or some cupcakes ... whichever.
Anyone want to be fake engaged for two hours so we can eat cake samples?
This stupid lady is taking forever using her damn coupons for her groceries. All these rolls of pennies are heavy! Hurry up!
ALERT: Missing Unicorn...if you find it, you`re probably high
If you lack motivation, get on treadmill naked in front of mirror.
It’s what people don’t know about each other that makes them such good friends.
Everything just seems much better when you`re in denial
When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they’re just thinking for the first time.
I don`t even know why chicks spend so much time and money on their hair when all guys look at is their tits.
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on?