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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
I love to do housework in the nude. Unfortunately for the neighbours, today I`m roofing.
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment
I recently jumped on the back of my psychologist and started counting...1...2...3 and he was so suprised asking me what I was doing and I answered offendedly: "Well you`re the one who said I could always count on you !"
Is it bad when I´m talking to myself and I´m not even listening?
If she is still able to walk to the kitchen after s@x , you don`t deserve a sandwich.
Women are so silly sometimes, thinking men actually care if they fake it.
My parents say I was an unplanned child, which probably explains why my life isn`t going to plan.
If you cannot FACE your problem, then the problem is your FACE.
If guys had periods, they´d brag about the size of their tampons.
Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken had to be somewhere between 7` to 10` tall.
Never change. Unless you’re an a$$hole. Then you should probably change a little.
“I don’t watch TV” proudly says a person who spends 8 hours a day on the internet.