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Don`t rush me, I`m waiting until the last minute.
How is it possible that we have one hand that can do everything while the other hand is all, “I can’t even hold a pencil”?
It`s weird how Dora is multilingual at 4 but can`t find the banana tree behind her...
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you´re on.
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
Sometimes I think "What would Dexter do"?
May the bridges I burn light the way.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
When in darkness, pray. If you pray and nothing happens, I think it is the high time you paid your electricity bill.
Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.
The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look.
I dont need to control my anger everyone around me needs to control their habit of pissing me off!
Trix commercials just teach kids that sharing is bad.