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Do you ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they aren`t talking?
I bet the hardest part of working the poison control hotline is not finishing your sentences with "...you ignorant dumbass"
"You`re better than that" is almost never true
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Some days there just isn`t enough give-a-damn.
The old saying "I wouldn`t wish this on my worst enemy"... Clearly you have forgotten why they are your worst enemy.
Just remember, every day is a gift from God. Well except for Monday.. Satan slips that one in. He’s a sneaky bastard.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I`m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that`s what she wrote in her diary.
Being the fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business.
God knew that there would be times that a single middle finger wouldn`t be enough.
I hate mosquitoes, I mean I know I’m delicious but damn.
If she owns more than 4 pairs of yoga pants, expect A LOT of text messages
I always dress up when I try to cook. The odds of me starting a fire are pretty high and I want to make sure I look good for the firemen.
There is nothing worse then trying to watch porn with a slow internet connection.