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Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
“Have you tried just drinking ALOT of vodka?”- me as a therapist
Stretch marks? You mean sick a$$ lightning tattoos.
Oops is farting in the elevator and thinking it would be silent.
A yawn is a silent scream for coffee!
My wife was afraid of the dark......then she saw me naked.........now she is afraid of the light.
Man, those 2013 Mayan Calenders are REALLY hard to find...
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
Part of me says I can´t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don´t listen to that guy. He´s drunk."
What scares me most is that some people think I actually know what I’m doing.
Who’s that sexy beast…………..oh I clicked on my own profile again. ;)
The good thing about listening to a new song is that it doesn’t remind you of anyone.
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.
A book fell on my head, I can only blame my shelf.
I`m glad I don`t work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches today.