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I wish I would of asked if she believed in sex after marriage
When exactly are they going to make Xanax fit my Pez Dispenser?
The invention of the shovel must have been ground-breaking.
I never thought I’d be the type of person who would get up early in the morning to exercise. I was right.
Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
Alcohol doesn`t make you fat, it makes you lean..........against tables, chairs, walls, and garbage cans.
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
Saw a bird sh*t on my car, so I ate scrambled eggs on my front step, just to show him what I`m capable of.
YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I`m watching how to make ice cream.
A group hug in my family means someone wants to use you as a napkin.
come on people driving is just like coloring, just stay inside the lines.
Women forgive and forget but always make sure you don`t forget that they forgave you and forgot about it.
Keep the dream alive, hit the snooze button.
My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.