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We live in a society that’s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
What a rip-off. I picked up a book called 101 Mating Positions. It turned out to be a book on chess.
I never get nervous or embarrassed. That`s just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.
Last year in college football Alabama beat Arkansas, Tennessee, and Auburn. Those teams coaches all resigned. Any chance of Alabama playing agsinst the White House this year?
How do amish girls know if its a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular candle lit dinner.
I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won`t be tempted to eat it later.
You seem like a sweat person. Mind if I lick you to find out?
Whew! Thank you warning label I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
People who have more than 10 items in the express line… We see you and we are judging you.
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
Funny how people get all angry when you break something of theirs that they don`t ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.
Starting tomorrow: Whatever Life throws at me… I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else.
The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it "Contains Peanuts" makes me extremely nervous for the human race.
Some people walk into your life and leave footprints on your heart. Some people walk into life and make you want to leave footprints on their face
I`m not perfect. But I am better than you.