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I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
I have to admit my heart broke a little when I heard the lady at Starbucks call the guy in line behind me "sweetie" too.
To the guys complaining about lack of sex from their woman: supply & demand. Supply better product, they`ll demand it more. -Bfanch
My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
Normal trees probably look at Christmas trees all dolled up and think .. "Whore"
The guy below me obviously has never seen R2-D2.
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.
A bunch of us are going out for pancakes when Facebook is over, if you want to come along.
Interviewer: Have any weaknesses? Me: Bullets I: No, I mean… M: Knives I: I don’t think y… M: probably evil dragons I: … M: Focusing.
*uses Ouija board* NEW PHONE WHO DIS
$100 for a dozen red what?! That`s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
I don`t make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...
It’s sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his crappy ACME gadgets, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.