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"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I`ve ever been asked.
Hard work never killed anyone but why risk it?
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
You`d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their butt in the mirror they would be able to parallel park.
If all the worlds a stage and the men and women merely players, how come Justin Bieber gets all the airtime?
is currently amending my "Who gets money" list when I win the lottery ... who has something nice to say?
*Knocks on door* Hey open up. You didn`t reply to my last 43 inbox messages & then you updated about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?
Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail ... JK ...It was me.
I will never forget the day when she said yes to me because that was the last time we agreed on anything.
Common Sense is so rare, it should be classified as a super power.
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don`t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.