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My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
Have we even tried giving Mother Nature a Snickers?
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”
Its not you, it`s how you don`t make me sandwiches.
You find my yoga pants distracting ... would you like me to take them off?
I think I`m the drunkest person at this bed bath and beyond.
snooze button, becuase all I need after 8 hours of sleep, is a nap
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
It`s really cold out there folks. If you`re heading to Wal-Mart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.
If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.
Now tell me how old your baby is in hours.
I would love to kill you with kindness, but all I have is this knife.