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I miss the days when minding your own business was a thing.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
Lazy Rule 47: If you spill water, it will eventually dry.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Iām beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen.
Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody`s throat.
Two drunk guys driving down the road, One says to the other "We must be getting closer to town!" The other guys says, "How can you tell?" He says "Were hitting more frickin people."
The Patriots defensive coverage was almost as bad as the coverage by Obamacare.
If I ever put stuff in storage I`m going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.
Paying a homeless man to pee on your ex`s windshield, is just about the most fun you can have with 5 bucks.
If Facebook has taught us anything, it`s that a lot of people are not quite ready for a Spelling Bee.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I`m at her place showing her how to open it.
Browsing the internet when bored is like the virtual version of checking the refrigerator...
Being handed a flyer is the offline version of a pop-up ad.
I just bought some new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said to remove the top and push up bottom. My butt hurts now but every time I fart the room smells awesome.