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It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
Looks like Waldo got on the malasian plane.. well played waldo.. well played..
It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
I want someone to look at me the way I look at the waiter when he brings my meal.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
The awkward moment when you set something down for a second and it disappears off the face of the earth.
I`m not sure how to say this but ... Worcestershire sauce
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads
Today everything gets answered by the magic eight ball
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don`t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
Neil Armstrong said "One small step for man...". I would`ve just said "OH MY GOD, I`M ON THE MOON!!!!!!".
Drink coffee! ... Do stupid things faster with more energy.
Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?
When it comes to speaking Spanish I know the essentials. "Taco, nacho, burrito, cheeto, frito & no comprendo."