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Don`t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
I only change the kitty litter like once every two weeks but in my defense I don`t have a cat
If it`s true that we are here on earth to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
Rapper; "I`m killing them snitches, smacking then bitches, smokin blunts and f*ckin hoes!" *wins award* Rapper: "I just wanna thank god.."
Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn`t seen me drunk.
Found out the name of my neighbor`s cat. In other news, I now have free internet.
My version of flirting is looking at someone attractive multiple times while hoping they are more brave than I am.
Thoughts of you make my demons nervous.
Id explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
If those Febreeze commercials with rooms filled with stinking, rotting garbage convince you to buy their product. Here`s a heads up for you........ You need to clean your freaking house!!!
Doc: ``Hows your headache ?`` Me: ``She`s at home``
I need to do laundry so bad I`m actually wearing Christmas stockings
Knock knock... whos there? Cows go... Cows go who, No, cows go moo
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome.