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I just called. To say. I texted you.
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
I need new swear words.
Dogs lick each other`s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
life is like a bed of roses just got to whatch out for the pricks
Pretty much the only time I want to hear about your ex is if she`s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I`m good.
You call it multiple personality disorder... I call it being mayor of the little town in my head!
You really can`t say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked
There are 2 kinds of people: 1) Happy morning people 2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people
I`m not mental, other wise the rubber duckies would have told me by now...
My relationship status? Last night, in the elevator, I told a girl she had nice shoelaces.
I`d love to have kids one day. Two days, tops.
I`m so old, I remember when the internet didn`t have commercials.
Hell hath no fury like a girl tagged in an unapproved pic on Facebook.