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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.
Life is harder for the beautiful people. I’m sorry you’ll never know.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
I wanna be skinny but I also want to have pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner, you feel me?
Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working
went to vegas: put a coin in the machine and a prize came out, put another coin and another prize came out...problem is i don`t know what to do with all these empty cans now.
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”
Opening the Tupperware cupboard at home should be regarded as an extreme sport.
God created the world in 7 days but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I’m a big deal...
Somehow I`m not nearly as overjoyed with this vegetable slicer as the woman on the infomercial was.
As a matter of fact, the whole world does revolve around me.
Jehovah`s witnesses would probably be welcomed into more houses if they brought booze or cookies.
I wonder if birds look at planes and think "man, I`ve really got to hit the gym"
Some people pass through our lives just to teach us not to be like them.
Marrying your high school sweetheart is like taking the banker`s first offer on Deal or No Deal.