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Life is very funny, if you take the time to watch it.
Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
I never meant to be so cold, I never meant to be so cold. - Mother nature
You do realize everyone can see your status right?
I don`t really work, I just kinda stand around and be awesome.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes...Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
If I ran my legs as much as I did my mouth, I`d be in fantastic shape.
I always walk through my office with a stern look on my face and a toilet plunger to avoid conversations.
Facebook: A place where people, who know so little about anything, have so much to say about everything.
Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you`re able to get away with.
When asked `What would you bring with you to a deserted island`, how come no one ever replies, `A boat.`?
First thing I do in the morning: Look at the clock and hope I have more time to sleep.
A young man gets sent to jail,and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk."Let`s play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quick, the man says "daddy." "Then come up here and suck Mommy`s d!ck."
I’ve finally decided to do something about my weight ... Lie.
Hard liquor because I don`t don`t have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day