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If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn`t look stupid.
Those Box Tops that raise money for schools really should be on wine labels and cases of beer.
Is it just me or doesn`t anyone disappear in the Bermuda triangle anymore?
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with "I got the live bees you sent, they`ll do nicely"
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways
I`m honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
I can make your gf scream louder than you can. - Spider
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions
Nice try salad bars, there`s only one kinda bar I plan on attending.
My box of Animal Crackers said, "WARNING: Do Not Eat if Seal is Broken." I open the box, and sure enough...
You’d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap a better status than yours!