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My kids think I`m uncool like I thought my parents where. Time to get even! ;)
Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.
How do you know you`re old? ... Check your glove box for paper maps ...
I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.
It`s a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships.
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
I`ll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life i am going to "allow to cool in microwave for 1 minute"!
I know some of you would find it hard to believe, but I don`t say everything that pops into my head. I don`t think the average person could handle it.
I don`t run away from my problems. That`s immature. I ignore them.
Iām home alone. Time to start my concert.
Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.
Do girls that make duck faces in pictures walk in a V formation at the mall?
My friend`s Jeep was broken into and she acted so surprised about it. Your car is held together by zippers! It`s as secure as my pants.
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.
People who say they suffer from constipation are usually full of sh!t.