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You`re uglier than..... well, you`re the example.
Stop complaining about being single. We have bigger problems here. Like why McDonald’s doesn’t serve breakfast after 10:30.
People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.
A gentle reminder about Daylight Savings Time: If you thought last Monday sucked, this one will prove to be much, much worse.
My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I`ll just leave it there. I`m not hiding who I am anymore.
I hate Russian nesting dolls. They`re so full of themselves
I hate it when I`m singing a song and the artist keeps messing up the words.
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
Someone’s going to ruin things; it might as well be me.
Waking up everyday seems a little excessive.
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying.
It`s always darkest before the dawn. So if you`re going steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s be the time to do it.
Between the coffee and the cocaine, it looks like the mission of Colombia is to wake up the world.