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I’m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
I`m first world poor. That means I have a smart phone and laptop that I use to go online and see that I have no money in my bank account.
I hate when I spend the extra money to buy organic vegetables only to get home and find out that I bought regular donuts.
I`m glad I`m me, I don`t think anybody else could take it.
You don’t realize how many people you hate until you have to name a baby or a dog...
I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it`s the duct tape of food.
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
Go ahead caller 9!!
I spend 800% of my life exaggerating.
Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?
The closest I`ve come to camping was that one time when I fell asleep in the bushes outside your window with my camera.
If I was antisocial I wouldn`t have just ordered a pizza over the phone.
is ready to have one too many!