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Dear guys: Women don`t want pictures of your d!ck. Maybe try sending a screenshot of your bank statement and see where things go.
Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
OK. Who decided to call it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?
My imaginary friend is bullying me.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling
I`m not the sort of person you should put on speakerphone.
You look like you only got about 5 of your 8 hours of beauty sleep last night...
Went looking for camouflage underwear today.....couldn`t find any
I`m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to sh!t indoors.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Putting on deoderant and colonge because you haven`t showered in days, is as about as useful as shutting the lid on a toilet after its overflowing.
Balloons are so weird... "happy birthday, here`s a plastic sack of my breath"
And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that`s where I unfollowed you.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. :)
You know it’s a really good bar when there’s a couple outside breaking up.