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finally got my certification in the mail, I`m officially insane.
Sometimes I wish I was full of pizza instead of emotions.
The wife and I never really argue except on where to vacation. I wanna go to the beach and she wants to come with me
I live for two reasons. 1) I was born. 2) I haven`t died yet.
Me at age 5 "I wish I had a $1" Me at age 10 "I wish I had $100" Me at age 17 "I wish I had $1,000,000" Me at age 26 "I wish I had $1"
Your girl always on her knees. What she forgot she had feet?
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
Everything is a boomerang if you throw it upwards.
Doing some laundry and hot single socks in my dryer are looking for a mate.
Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
I think my “check engine” light has finally burned out. So that’s good.
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
I`m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
My wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she`s bluffing...