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Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
Life is very funny, if you take the time to watch it.
I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.
NEVER go to a wet t shirt contest drunk. I won 2nd place.
Guess what`s brown and sticky... a stick.
I love water. Especially when it`s frozen and surrounded by vodka.
The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I`m done picking my nose, I`m gonna smile and wave.
You only live once is the most reassuring thing I`ve ever heard.
Well after 6 months of my girlfriend nagging, I finally did it, I lost 120lbs ... I`m sure gonna miss her.
Did you know? If you were to watch all of the Saw films, it would take you 666 minutes?
I hav 10 fingers bt i usd only.. the thumb to write this...!
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those meds.
Our neighbor said he wouldn`t mind me stealing their newspaper if I would at least put a robe on first.
Coffee eyedrops! Another million dollar idea.