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I`ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
It appears that autocorrect has become my worst enema.
I have the body of a God. Unfortunately, it`s Buddha.
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
Don`t waste your time being difficult. Put forth a little more effort and be impossible.
If you don’t count any of my failures, I’m quite successful.
It is amazing how quickly kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, dishwasher, or vacuum cleaner.
Im thinking, The best part about sitting down at the computer for a minute and making a status message like this is that by the time you`ve finished reading it and taking a minute out of your day you`ll have a brand sense of enlightenment and awareness that you never had before once you realize that there is absolutely no point to this post whatsoever.
Have you ever loved someone so much deep in your heart, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping.
If you`re confident enough, every zoo is a petting zoo.
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.
There better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober.
Figuring out that you`ll probably never figure it out is the first step of really figuring things out.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.