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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Looks like Waldo got on the malasian plane.. well played waldo.. well played..
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5`9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
I like to log into facebook and leave a status just to show I`m here. Or am I?
I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he`s really in trouble.
Where 5 minutes becomes 5 hours. Facebook.
Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the “Like” button.
Sorry, I didn`t get your text...Just kidding, I ignored that sh!t.
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
Anyone who knows me obviously knows a shit ton about awesomeness.
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
I decided to make a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number 1: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes?
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again.