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Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.
I wish my mind had a delete button.
People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse"
I`m a really nice guy before you get to know me.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you.
Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it.
Please don`t post pictures of cats on my FB wall. I am allergic.
I wish I could write `` I Miss You `` on a rock and throw it at your face, so you can know how much it HURTS to miss you
I should be asleep, but there are a lot of things I should be.
If your girlfriend says she`s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall...You might be dating my wife.
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
Turns out having boobs only gets you stuff if you don`t have a penis as well.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Im still waiting for Anheuser-Bush to name a beer "responsibly" so i can drink it!