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Got caught up in a really good book last night. I didn`t stop coloring till 2 o`clock this morning.
At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.
I’m shy at first, but once I’m comfortable with you get ready for some crazy sh!t.
Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible.
The part of "no" that I don´t understand is the part where I don´t get what I want
Twerking is just shaking your a$$? Why did we need a new word? A$$-shaking has served us well for centuries.
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.
A real friend is someone who knows how damn crazy you are... But is still willing to be seen out in public with you.
The longer I sit in this drive-thru, the more pennies I’m going to pay with.
My wife and I are pretty upset. It looks like someone broke in and surfed porn on my computer. They didn`t touch anything else, so that`s good.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me
Aaron Hernandez`s next jersey is going to be a jailhouse jumpsuit!